November 16, 2011
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Haunting
You wake up and grief is still right there beside you. No, you didn’t lose it in your sleep. You sink and fall away from the world, like the sand beneath an outgoing wave. In fact, you wonder if you should check if there is still earth beneath you. You’ve entered another dimension again. This liminal plane… yes, that’s the word:
Liminality is a psychological, neurological, or subjective state, conscious or unconscious, of being on the “threshold” of or between two different existential planes…
You must half cross over when a loved one does. I felt this when my child’s spirit left my body and now as my mother’s child’s spirit looms close between lives. And why does death want more death? (I’m not afraid to say I wish I was dead, I envy my brother, I feel the wrong child died, I have survivor’s guilt). This awareness of impermanence makes this world seem less permanent.
The pastor at my friend’s church I attended this past weekend tried to put this life in perspective to the contrasting christian image of eternity. It was a comforting image at the time, even if I did translate it to my own metaphysics/theology. I have felt the other side in dreamstate, in alpha traveling, and I remember it and yearn for release from the suffering of this particular life story. We aren’t defined by this chapter, nor confined. Our spirits are much larger, and in this we are permanent.
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”
Romans 8:18
Comments (2)
You are finding your way through the darkness…the stars are most bright on a dark night
Liminality. I believe I’ve felt that state before; it felt like insanity. Or like the one plane, as you put it, was too painful and I had to try and hide in another. But those moments do lead to something, even if it’s a greater appreciation for not feeling them, or not having to feel them. I hope you get to the point where the pain eases soon.