November 20, 2011
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My Life
Mornings are difficult again. I used to be a morning person, probably still am. This morning I was home when I should have been at the AlAnon convention, but apparently you cannot serve as a Group Rep. if you are a double winner and also alcoholic. This morning Greg went off to a meeting and the grocery store and I am working on a pms calendar. I haven’t taken my progesterone or B6 the past couple months and can’t afford to have this added to everything else. Ok, that’s done.
It’s a little lonelier this a.m. since I left the EYT FB group. But it’s also more peaceful. Actually, in some ways it’s heartbreaking. Just the timing. I am more emotional due to my brother’s suicide of course, and pms. But there was also a sort of undercurrent of emotional problems in the group. I am not blameless, but I can’t seem to maintain distance. I amplify and reflect dysfunction, at least I did in that setting.
I hate the fact that it’s Thanksgiving next week – other than a few days off work (although I’m working half of Friday).
Every day I think that the wrong child died. It’s so hard when you have a younger sibling. You feel that from the moment they were born they were loved more because of their little baby needs. There also is a gender difference. The mother-daughter relationship is so much different than the mother-son one. My mother and I have had an enmeshed and conflictual typical mother-daughter love-hate relationship. My brother always adored my mother and protected her and was loyal to her, until he began to withdraw from the entire world. And with his being mixed race, my mother always felt he was a minority that needed more protection. Etc. etc. etc. It doesn’t matter now. But all these unresolved echoes fill my mind right now.
I got a book about sibling survivors of suicide called An Empty Chair. In it the author interviews over 30 sibling survivors. Most of the siblings who committed suicide were male, simply because males are much more likely to choose lethal means. I haven’t been able to get very far in it. It’s validating so far, but also very sad.
