January 2, 2013

  • Christmas Past

    One of the great? things about being on xanga this long, is looking back.

    I've been here since Aug. 2003, so here's previous xmas highlights:

    Me and Jane small 2003 ~ I was just starting to date Derek.  This was an almost 2 yr. relationship, which ended up being pretty emotionally abusive, and reading what I said back then, there were signs from the beginning.  I just ignored them.  He went home to see his family that year because we were too newly dating.

    2004 ~ We were still together, but did our family xmases separately.  Look how happy I was that year (at my mom's).  We broke up in March 2005.



    hat2005 Excerpt:  Monday, December 26, 2005

    Remember the big fight my mother and I had after my 40th birthday and she said don't come for the holidays?  Well, we did it again, big fight same statement.  Well, she said we should go into therapy.  Fuck, we've already done that.  And I'm in my own therapy, but she thinks I should go weekly.  I've been going for 20 years off and on.  I'm what we in the business call a "lifer."  I can't say that I have any faith in miraculous change.

     I just should have gone home after the first night over, it was the second night that blew it.  I lost it.  I am not doing well.  I'm better now that I'm home and I went to a mtg. and saw my sponsor, but seeing my mother right now just ddanieloesn't work.  The first 24 hours of the visit was good.  My mom did a great job with the presents and the lunch on Christmas.  There were good things about the holiday.  The bad part was me and how depressed I am, almost no matter what I do.  I hate writing that, but it's just the facts.

    I'd just been dumped by Daniel in October before my 40th birthday and was crushed.                                        (Hat from rosebudsinwyo)




    2006 ~ I went to midnight mass at the Catholic Church with Jill, which really got me started on this past year's spiritual focus.  I had dumped Charles just before Thanksgiving and wasn't too upset about it.

    justin 006 2007 ~ I went to 9pm services at the Lutheran church, with Jill's family because her daughter's boyfriend is singing there, and it's a block from my house!  I'm getting over ending a nearly one year relationship with Justin, which is a much greater loss.  I NEED A BREAK.  AT LEAST I'M NOT DEPRESSED.  AND I NEED MY SHARE OF XMAS PEACE.  and actually I have it.  It was hard to watch my brother and his children open presents, the year I lost a baby.


    2008 ~ Ok, here is the sorry tale of xmas [last] year.  So due to snow, xmas was postponed to Sunday in my family.  But then my brother allowed his two kids to blow it off in favor of a "better offer."  My mother started slipping.  I told her that I loved her and I would still come in.  I made her indian food.  She pouted.  I was there for two days.   She later said she would never do another family holiday.  She would not allow me to acknowledge her 70th birthday the following June, except we went to two therapy sessions.

    2009 ~ This year, we will see how having Greg along makes a difference.  Greg being an objective outsider and yet being my main relationship really made this holiday different than any in the past decade.  He's the first partner that has been in my life and come to Christmas with my family, since my exhusband.  The hard part remained still trying to do a lot to please my mother... which we did accomplish.  Then the other hard part is the decline of my brother (mental health, abuse of pain meds?).  He basically said he was too depressed and socially phobic to meet Greg.  So we had xmas with her and left and then my brother and his kids came over.  So I didn't get to see them open my presents to them.  It's really sad, but there's nothing to do about it.  He also sent an email thank you, but the kids didn't even return my texts.  Makes me sad.


    2010 ~ We have been married six months!  My relationship with my brother Josh became a cut off over the issue of his being unable and unwilling to attend our wedding in June, due to his social anxiety.  So it made it obvious that now my mother will just have two xmas celebrations with her kids who do not have a relationship anymore.  So Greg and I took my mom out to brunch and a movie on Sunday.  I had PMS, but other than that, it went fine.  Greg is an incredible source of strength and stability in my life now, and continues to make it easier to be around my mom as well.

     2011 ~ My brother killed himself 10/21.  I took my niece and nephew out to dinner downtown and my niece and her mother (Josh's ex) to the Nutcracker.  Mom chose not to come. 

    2012 ~ We spent Christmas at the Mark Spencer in downtown Portland and visited mom and the kids.  We took them to Bay Leaf.  But I got sick, with what I thought was my Asthma, but later turned into a week of flu.


December 5, 2012

  • Naomi Wolf quote

    I think about getting off Facebook a lot lately.  It hits me that it is so superficial and my contact with friends 1:1 has ground to a halt.  I enjoyed the groups on facebook (which many people don't even frequent), though I'm not as active in them anymore.  I guess I feel reassured by the political and spiritual content that gets shared on my newsfeed, though even that sometimes feels hollow. 


    But today, I was really struck by this quote.  I have heard of one of the titles by this author, but not read any of her work.  I'm going to now.




    Naomi R. Wolf is an American author and former political consultant. With the publication of the 1991 bestselling book The Beauty Myth she became a leading spokesperson of what was later described as the third wave of the feminist movement. Wikipedia

    Amazon's Naomi Wolf Page

    Naomi Wolf was born in San Francisco in 1962. She was an undergraduate at Yale University and did her graduate work at New College, Oxford University as a Rhodes Scholar.

December 3, 2012

  • Monday

    Woah, tired.  I spent way too much time this morning trying to make my iphone do something.  I want to be able to auto respond to texts.  You can do this, but it requires an unusual source for an app, which requires making some modifications to your phone's system.  I spent way too much time and was unsuccessful anyway.

    Then we had 12 people for AlAnon.  My office barely held that many people.  And there is one particularly annoying person.  And there was a new person in pain.  All in all, it was a good mtg., but I was overstimulated by it too.

    Then I had to scarf my lunch.  And then I had a small group for DBT Mindful Eating class. It's turning out to be a really great class, though intense.  I need to get back to doing my eating disorder courses.

    Then I had three intense sessions.  Now I'm exhausted and thinking about all the things that are not done.

December 2, 2012

  • December
    1 Sa                      
    2 Su  
    3 Mo  Work
    4 Tu  
    5 We  
    6 Th DBT, teen DBT Family 
    7 Fr  supervision
    8 Sa  
    9 Su  
    10 Mo  Work
    11 Tu  
    12 We  
    13 Th  new moon
    14 Fr  
    15 Sa  
    16 Su  
    17 Mo  Work
    18 Tu  
    19 We  
    20 Th  no DBT except teen
    21 Fr  Solstice, supervision
    22 Sa  Portland for weekend
    23 Su  
    24 Mo  OFF this week
    25 Tu  Christmas
    26 We  
    27 Th  
    28 Fr  full moon
    29 Sa  speaker mtg.
    30 Su  
    31 Mo  

    Back to work Jan. 2

  • Locational Astrology




    HOOD RIVER, OR is where I live now.

    Moon/AS Line

    More beneficial on the eastern side of the line.

    The places on this line are favourable for personal and private matters.  You are more introspective, and time is happily spent alone, or within the confines of your family. Here you seek the simple, natural life, and the security of homely surrounds.

    You have compassion and understanding for others.  Your empathy is genuine, and others feel safe and protected in your company.  Your conduct is determined by a desire to live quietly and peacefully, and you are prepared to place less emphasis on your personal pursuits.

    The Moon on the Ascendant connects you to the world of emotions and the unconscious.  You appear softhearted, sentimental and vulnerable.  At times you seem irrational and unpredictable.  You change your mind quite easily, and your sense of self-worth may suffer under this inconstancy and moodiness.

    Business affairs have too unstable a base here.  These regions stimulate a desire for children, circumstances are favourable for conception and for subsequent pregnancy. Generally speaking, this placement lends itself to all dealings with children.


    SEDONA, AZ is where I wish I could live.

    Mars/AS Line

    More beneficial on the western side of the line.

    With Mars on the Ascendant, you will experience a time of self-assertion and great physical strength.  You show courage, a fighting spirit and independence in all your dealings.  You are here to prove, both to yourself and the world, that you are not afraid of confrontations.  You are encouraged to meet every challenge and without much reflection, you cope in your own inimitable style. Survival of the fittest is the rule, and there is little room for diplomacy and compromising.

    Your ideal is based on the mythological heroine and warrior, who completely identifies with just one thing and is prepared to fight unperturbed for her ideas.  These places are perfect for tasks, which require boldness, courage and a full commitment.  "All or nothing" is your motto, and every attempt to deter you results in fight or flight.

    You are fully aware that you won't encounter much love and understanding with your attitude, and you are better off working alone or where you have the space to exercise your own initiative.  Sport activities and military exercises achieve good results from this special Martian energy.  It is generally advisable to be physically active, thereby harnessing these intense and extroverted energies more meaningfully and prevent them being discharged in a destructive manner.

  • Spirituality in my 40s


    Since I'm 47, I guess I better update my spirituality history.  It's not that decades are real demarkations... but one's beliefs evolve with life experience.
    I'm no longer attending church.  I guess I sought out various church experiences for about 5 years. Update: I had a miscarriage out of wedlock while going to Vineyard and was shamed in a way that truly pissed me off.  That wasn't why I left church, but it helped.  I would go if there were a Unity church nearby.  We attended a Unity church while visiting Sedona.

    Then I began exploring Reiki, which opened up my clairvoyance. I also began studying A Course in Miracles.  In Reiki, Christ would be considered an Ascended Master, among Angels and spirit guides, that assist in spiritual healing. In ACIM, Christ teaches Buddhism.  But that's just my take.

    I also began studying reincarnation and hypnosis.  Two hypnotists have written about discovering past life regression, and between lives regression.  Also, right before my 46th birthday, my brother killed himself and I consulted a channeler.  I am now convinced that there is an afterlife, between lives and reincarnation..

    Many Lives, Many Masters: The True Story of... by Brian L. Weiss, MD Psychiatrist

        Journey of Souls: Case Studies of Life Betw... by Michael Newton, PhD
        Destiny of Souls: New Case Studies of Life ... by Michael Newton, PhD

November 9, 2012

  • Moving Offices

     I am in the process of relocation offices.  When I first went into private practice I was subletting in a couple different offices, so when I moved I only had files to move.  Then I moved into a tiny office and from there to my current office in the same building, so that was easy.  This move is only 3 blocks and will be relatively easy, but we are renting a UHaul nevertheless.  

    I'm a little worried about having enough energy to do the grunt work of the move, esp. since I now have Asthma.  I am so tired all the time.


    The building I'm in now is from the 1900s.  It's quaint but not up to code.  I'm hoping I like the new building.  I'm waiting to connect up with the new landlord to get my keys this afternoon.



October 17, 2012

  • politics

    I can barely get on FB right now because I don't want to argue politics.  I feel that most people follow in the footsteps of their family's politics.  Some challenge it, but just like changing religion, I think it takes a lot to step outside of how you were raised.  I realized I was raised left wing fundamentalist.  I am a bleeding heart liberal.

    So I know that with my bias, I vote my party, Democrat.  So that makes me automatically against Romney.  But there have been Democratic president's I've liked more than others.  And there have been Republicans I guess I disliked less.  The thing I don't understand is Romney has the most evil affect, the most dishonest, arrogant presentation.  How did he even get the nomination?  

    The problem is, like many things lately, this whole thing makes me feel ill.