January 2, 2013

  • Christmas Past

    One of the great? things about being on xanga this long, is looking back.

    I’ve been here since Aug. 2003, so here’s previous xmas highlights:

    Me and Jane small 2003 ~ I was just starting to date Derek.  This was an almost 2 yr. relationship, which ended up being pretty emotionally abusive, and reading what I said back then, there were signs from the beginning.  I just ignored them.  He went home to see his family that year because we were too newly dating.

    2004 ~ We were still together, but did our family xmases separately.  Look how happy I was that year (at my mom’s).  We broke up in March 2005.



    hat2005 Excerpt:  Monday, December 26, 2005

    Remember the big fight my mother and I had after my 40th birthday and she said don’t come for the holidays?  Well, we did it again, big fight same statement.  Well, she said we should go into therapy.  Fuck, we’ve already done that.  And I’m in my own therapy, but she thinks I should go weekly.  I’ve been going for 20 years off and on.  I’m what we in the business call a “lifer.”  I can’t say that I have any faith in miraculous change.

     I just should have gone home after the first night over, it was the second night that blew it.  I lost it.  I am not doing well.  I’m better now that I’m home and I went to a mtg. and saw my sponsor, but seeing my mother right now just ddanieloesn’t work.  The first 24 hours of the visit was good.  My mom did a great job with the presents and the lunch on Christmas.  There were good things about the holiday.  The bad part was me and how depressed I am, almost no matter what I do.  I hate writing that, but it’s just the facts.

    I’d just been dumped by Daniel in October before my 40th birthday and was crushed.                                        (Hat from rosebudsinwyo)




    2006 ~ I went to midnight mass at the Catholic Church with Jill, which really got me started on this past year’s spiritual focus.  I had dumped Charles just before Thanksgiving and wasn’t too upset about it.

    justin 006 2007 ~ I went to 9pm services at the Lutheran church, with Jill’s family because her daughter’s boyfriend is singing there, and it’s a block from my house!  I’m getting over ending a nearly one year relationship with Justin, which is a much greater loss.  I NEED A BREAK.  AT LEAST I’M NOT DEPRESSED.  AND I NEED MY SHARE OF XMAS PEACE.  and actually I have it.  It was hard to watch my brother and his children open presents, the year I lost a baby.


    2008 ~ Ok, here is the sorry tale of xmas [last] year.  So due to snow, xmas was postponed to Sunday in my family.  But then my brother allowed his two kids to blow it off in favor of a “better offer.”  My mother started slipping.  I told her that I loved her and I would still come in.  I made her indian food.  She pouted.  I was there for two days.   She later said she would never do another family holiday.  She would not allow me to acknowledge her 70th birthday the following June, except we went to two therapy sessions.

    2009 ~ This year, we will see how having Greg along makes a difference.  Greg being an objective outsider and yet being my main relationship really made this holiday different than any in the past decade.  He’s the first partner that has been in my life and come to Christmas with my family, since my exhusband.  The hard part remained still trying to do a lot to please my mother… which we did accomplish.  Then the other hard part is the decline of my brother (mental health, abuse of pain meds?).  He basically said he was too depressed and socially phobic to meet Greg.  So we had xmas with her and left and then my brother and his kids came over.  So I didn’t get to see them open my presents to them.  It’s really sad, but there’s nothing to do about it.  He also sent an email thank you, but the kids didn’t even return my texts.  Makes me sad.


    2010 ~ We have been married six months!  My relationship with my brother Josh became a cut off over the issue of his being unable and unwilling to attend our wedding in June, due to his social anxiety.  So it made it obvious that now my mother will just have two xmas celebrations with her kids who do not have a relationship anymore.  So Greg and I took my mom out to brunch and a movie on Sunday.  I had PMS, but other than that, it went fine.  Greg is an incredible source of strength and stability in my life now, and continues to make it easier to be around my mom as well.

     2011 ~ My brother killed himself 10/21.  I took my niece and nephew out to dinner downtown and my niece and her mother (Josh’s ex) to the Nutcracker.  Mom chose not to come. 

    2012 ~ We spent Christmas at the Mark Spencer in downtown Portland and visited mom and the kids.  We took them to Bay Leaf.  But I got sick, with what I thought was my Asthma, but later turned into a week of flu.


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