This last weekend provided a much needed rest.  I was soooooo tired, mostly emotionally.  We got a lot of stuff done, but mostly we are home bodies and we just vedged a lot!

So one of the things I did not get to was figuring out my documentation for work.  I use excel and keep my progress notes and my billing all in one large book.  The problem is I like to work on it at home and at work, so I end up wondering which is the latest version… I think I might need to separate them out somehow.  I have had this silly problem in so many permutations for so long.

I’m really excited because I found a biography of my Swiss great-great grandfather, Willi Aeppli (Waldorf school author), and discovered that he was born in Ghana when his parents were missionaries.  His father died when he was a toddler of a tropical disease.  Then his mother adopted another child, who then died at age 5 of Scarlet Fever.  He was visited by this child’s spirit which changed the direction of his spiritual life, later making him open to anthroposophy.  http://myjaneaology.blogspot.com/2010/06/ggp-aeppli.html

“Anthroposophy, a spiritual philosophy founded by Rudolf Steiner, postulates the existence of an objective, intellectually comprehensible spiritual world accessible to direct experience through inner development—more specifically through cultivating conscientiously a form of thinking independent of sensory experience. 

And by searching for more info. on the Basel Mission, I found pics of my great-great-great grandparents, Heinrich Aeppli and Jeanette Pluss-Aeppli.

from Lesson 3, A Course in Weight Loss, by Marianne Williamson

Legacy of the Divine Tarot  Deck

DAILY READING

Work, Home, Unexpected, Your Role, Outcome

WORK

Knight of Cups - Knight of Cups is someone whose current actions in this situation are motivated by emotion. His heart is focused on something, such as a vision, a quest, a creation, or on someone. In this case, he is absolutely compelled to follow his heart to the exclusion of all else, for good or ill. At this point, he considers nothing else; all that matters is his presumed love, reconciliation, poetry, art, or dream. It will be very difficult to turn this knight’s attention from his current pursuit.  // Taking  a journey into the depths of his heart, he finds strength and direction after having been immersed in his dream.

~^^~

HOME

XIII Death - While this card rarely means actual physical death, I think under the present circumstances, it does. I think it means your brother’s death and the awareness of the death of your relationship with your mother. From the ashes of death is reborn new hope for the future. There is always hope present. Though the bloom is hardly visible, focus on finding the hope amid the ashes.

~^^~

UNEXPECTED

7 Wands - I would apply this card directly to the situation with EYT. You feel on the defensive and I sense a feeling in this particular instance, of feeling pushed out from the inside rather than protecting and defending the inside from those without. Stand your ground. You may no longer belong on the inside of this particular place, but you still have strength and authenticity and have no reason or need to feel like less of a person. Let go. You are just about out the door. Just walk away. The attacker(s) will not follow you.

~^^~

YOUR ROLE

IX Hermit - Your role is to take some time out for introspection. You’ve been through hell. You’re tired. Your soul is weary. Give yourself a reprieve. It’s okay.

~^^~

OUTCOME

6 Coins - Although the pentacles (coins in this deck) are generally about finances and earth, this particular reading I get more of a sense of balance from this card. Things will come into balance if you just take the time. Wait. Be patient with yourself and others, watch carefully, but don’t rush forward. The scales will balance out and you won’t feel like you’re on such unstable a foundation as you do now.

~^^~*~^^~

PERSONAL LAYOUT

Past, Present, Future
Spiritual, Physical, Emotional
Overall

PAST

2 Wands - Before, you were two against the world. Your brother and you … but this is past.

~^^~

PRESENT

8 Cups - In the midst of a metamorphosis. Difficult. HUGE changes and challenges, but look at the way he’s going for it! You can do this! Change is here and in the process in you. Leaving the past behind and moving ahead to the future, even as you cannot see it all in the mist.  The cups surrounding you, in this instance, I feel are friends who are full of love, support and joy, cheering you on your way.

~^^~

FUTURE

Page of Cups - Pages are inexperienced. They have a lot of knowledge, but not a lot of practice. The future is as yet unknown, and you’re getting your feet wet as you move forward into it. Cautiously, because you want to get it right, slightly impatient because you have the head knowledge even if your emotions and your heart aren’t quite aligned yet with what you know.

~^^~

SPIRITUAL

4 Wands - There is a stability in your spiritual life that can ground you here. When you’re feeling overwhelmed by the heat of what is happening around you, there is a stream of cool water to quench that heat within the boundaries of your spiritual life. It is your haven right now.

~^^~

PHYSICAL

5 Wands - Physically, you may be a bit at war with yourself. Fighting off all the emotional trauma is messing with your body. You’re out of sync and at odds with yourself.  This is just a wake-up call to pay attention to how your emotions affect you physically.

~^^~

EMOTIONAL

XVIII Moon - The moon is dreamy. A bit surreal. Expectations are high, but realistically… they may be too high. The moon is just a reflection of the light of the sun. It’s not the real thing. Be careful not to get drawn in by unrealistic expectations.

~^^~

OVERALL

7 Swords - This is an interesting placement for the seven of swords. As I would interpret it in this situation… possibly you went out to battle without letting anyone know? You forgot a few swords and weren’t prepared for what you went off to fight and you’re sneaking back in the window so as not to wake anyone and pick up the two you forgot.   Maybe you don’t need to be sneaky about it. It’s evident you feel inadequate, and the five swords you carry are already heavy enough. Perhaps you could change your mind and put the swords back? 

Another possible interpretation is that someone else took your swords and left you with only two… and you feel bereft and inadequate, and downright betrayed by the loss of those five swords. The thief didn’t feel they could do without them, however, and maybe they tried to leave you at least something?  Look at the guilt on his face. You caught him in the act. .. but he’s already out the window and falling backwards … there’s no turning back now. Can you let him have the swords without holding blame over him?  Don’t forget the 5 of Wands here, either, as the emotions created by this can war with your physical wellbeing.

~^^~**~^^~

 SITUATION LAYOUT

Current Situation, Your Expectations, Hidden Influence, Advice, Outcome

CURRENT SITUATION

3 Wands - You have worked hard on something (EYT?) and yet, it’s time to let it go, and now you are watching the ship sail away. Will it be successful still? Did you do the right thing staying behind? You got off the ship and are watching its magnificence disappear in the sun. That was hard, but it was the only option you felt you had. Now it’s time to find something new.

~^^~

YOUR EXPECTATIONS

XI Justice - Justice. You want justice. But you want to be fair, too. My gut feeling is to trust karma, in this case. Karma will mete out justice fairly and logically.

~^^~

HIDDEN INFLUENCE

4 Swords - Again we are here with exhaustion and tiredness. As with the Hermit earlier, there is a desperate need for rest and resolution. Time to restore your soul.  This card is also related to the Death card and could bring in the obvious influence your brother’s death has had on your present circumstances, but I think that, although that has a large influence, there is an equal influence at present of your physical and emotional exhaustion. Stop. Breathe. Restore. Enough pain! You’re so worn out right now that you don’t even notice the bed is made up of the hilts of swords.

~^^~

ADVICE

8 Swords - A very interesting card for the ADVICE position!  I had to ponder it for only a moment however, to see that she feels, like you, attacked on all sides without any possibility of movement without harm. So therein is the advice. The more you struggle, the more risk you take of being skewered by one or more of those swords.  Honey, DON’T MOVE!  If you stay still, relax yourself, calm down, the threat of those swords will pull away on their own.

~^^~

OUTCOME

Ace of Cups - What a lovely outcome card!! — Aces are all about beginnings and possibilities. Freshness. A Gift, or unexpected opportunity.  A moment of fortuitous possibility. The time is right to act! What you plant right now has the potential for success. You have been and are going through a battle, but the outcome is beautiful!  Drink Deeply and be fulfilled — jump right in and be refreshed! (in my book – I love what it says about this card:  A fully submerged cup. It appears to be an organic part of this dark and mysterious world but clearly retains its individuality. This suggests diving into the ocean but not losing yourself completely. The illumination comes through the water itself, another reminder that emotions become filters and affect the way we see things — not that an emotional view is bad or wrong; just be aware that it may be different.

Life is a series of dreams, escapes, and then returning to reality.  With my brother’s recent death, there is another changing of chapters in the story with my mother.  Yes, EYT was a type of dream and it is ok that I walked away.  It is a time for me to retreat and seek balance.  My childhood with my brother is over, the triangle with him and my mother.  Now I can move forward with chosen family.  Focus on developing my spiritual relationships.  I have been stressed by my diet, pms, emotions, etc. and need to return to better self-care.  I love the image that the moon is just a reflection of the sun, not the real thing and to be aware of unrealistic expectations. The 7 Swords sneaky battle scene is interesting.  Yes, I created EYT and yes it was time to release it to others.  And trusting in karma, everyone’s worst punishment and best reward is just being themselves.  Yes, enough exhaustion  Relax, be still and know that I am God, to be found in the watery depths.

Mornings are difficult again.  I used to be a morning person, probably still am.  This morning I was home when I should have been at the AlAnon convention, but apparently you cannot serve as a Group Rep. if you are a double winner and also alcoholic.  This morning Greg went off to a meeting and the grocery store and I am working on a pms calendar.  I haven’t taken my progesterone or B6 the past couple months and can’t afford to have this added to everything else.  Ok, that’s done.

It’s a little lonelier this a.m. since I left the EYT FB group.  But it’s also more peaceful.  Actually, in some ways it’s heartbreaking.  Just the timing.  I am more emotional due to my brother’s suicide of course, and pms.  But there was also a sort of undercurrent of emotional problems in the group.  I am not blameless, but I can’t seem to maintain distance.  I amplify and reflect dysfunction, at least I did in that setting.

I hate the fact that it’s Thanksgiving next week – other than a few days off work (although I’m working half of Friday).

Every day I think that the wrong child died.  It’s so hard when you have a younger sibling.  You feel that from the moment they were born they were loved more because of their little baby needs.  There also is a gender difference.  The mother-daughter relationship is so much different than the mother-son one.  My mother and I have had an enmeshed and conflictual typical mother-daughter love-hate relationship.  My brother always adored my mother and protected her and was loyal to her, until he began to withdraw from the entire world.  And with his being mixed race, my mother always felt he was a minority that needed more protection.  Etc. etc. etc.  It doesn’t matter now.  But all these unresolved echoes fill my mind right now.

I got a book about sibling survivors of suicide called An Empty Chair.  In it the author interviews over 30 sibling survivors.  Most of the siblings who committed suicide were male, simply because males are much more likely to choose lethal means.  I haven’t been able to get very far in it.  It’s validating so far, but also very sad. 

My main spirit guides are Green Tara, Mary & Mary and Christ.  Why am I posting about this?  Well the other night I couldn’t sleep (DH snores sometimes) and went to sleep on the couch.  I then was awakened around 4 when he asked why I was down there.  During the next hour when I didn’t realize it wasn’t actually time to get up, I tried to do some Reiki self treatments and to reorient myself to my spirit guides.  I’ve been having a really hard time.  So I remembered a time years ago when I imagined a huge Green Tara and I was laying across her lap.  When I do Reiki sessions, I often am visited by the two Marys, mother and Magdalene.

I feel really bitter today.  I feel like life is something I have to force myself to face.  I feel disgusted by most people.  I keep wishing I had a job that didn’t deal with people.  Once I’m in front of people, it’s fine.  It’s the anticipation, the hours before going in.  Then I sit here and long to stay in my pajamas.

I look at my schedule with the express purpose of imagining how I’m going to get through it. Great.  I’ve been through this many times before.  It’s a professional hazard.  I will get through it again.

This weekend I am going to an AlAnon business convention.  It may prove to be quite boring.  But I get a chance to spend time with a potential friend.  Then afterwards on Sunday I will go see my mom and my brother’s kids.  And I’ll wonder if I have a family left at all.  And I’ll try to navigate some way to get through the holidays.

Luckily today I have 3 clients and a group that I love.  Tonight DH and I will go out to dinner because I’ll be gone this weekend.  

Yesterday most of my clients cancelled due to the weather or illness, but I did have to get it together for one new client.  Before that I got a call from the pastor of my friend’s church.  I’d left a prayer request about my brother, mother and his children.  He was so kind, I cried my eyes out.

And I’m making an emotional fool of myself on my fb group.  Tomorrow I have a much bigger day at work before driving to the convention.  I would really prefer to call in sick.  I shouldn’t be admitting that.   I am consumed with too much of my own emotion.