Mornings are difficult again.  I used to be a morning person, probably still am.  This morning I was home when I should have been at the AlAnon convention, but apparently you cannot serve as a Group Rep. if you are a double winner and also alcoholic.  This morning Greg went off to a meeting and the grocery store and I am working on a pms calendar.  I haven't taken my progesterone or B6 the past couple months and can't afford to have this added to everything else.  Ok, that's done.

It's a little lonelier this a.m. since I left the EYT FB group.  But it's also more peaceful.  Actually, in some ways it's heartbreaking.  Just the timing.  I am more emotional due to my brother's suicide of course, and pms.  But there was also a sort of undercurrent of emotional problems in the group.  I am not blameless, but I can't seem to maintain distance.  I amplify and reflect dysfunction, at least I did in that setting.

I hate the fact that it's Thanksgiving next week - other than a few days off work (although I'm working half of Friday).

Every day I think that the wrong child died.  It's so hard when you have a younger sibling.  You feel that from the moment they were born they were loved more because of their little baby needs.  There also is a gender difference.  The mother-daughter relationship is so much different than the mother-son one.  My mother and I have had an enmeshed and conflictual typical mother-daughter love-hate relationship.  My brother always adored my mother and protected her and was loyal to her, until he began to withdraw from the entire world.  And with his being mixed race, my mother always felt he was a minority that needed more protection.  Etc. etc. etc.  It doesn't matter now.  But all these unresolved echoes fill my mind right now.

I got a book about sibling survivors of suicide called An Empty Chair.  In it the author interviews over 30 sibling survivors.  Most of the siblings who committed suicide were male, simply because males are much more likely to choose lethal means.  I haven't been able to get very far in it.  It's validating so far, but also very sad. 

My main spirit guides are Green Tara, Mary & Mary and Christ.  Why am I posting about this?  Well the other night I couldn't sleep (DH snores sometimes) and went to sleep on the couch.  I then was awakened around 4 when he asked why I was down there.  During the next hour when I didn't realize it wasn't actually time to get up, I tried to do some Reiki self treatments and to reorient myself to my spirit guides.  I've been having a really hard time.  So I remembered a time years ago when I imagined a huge Green Tara and I was laying across her lap.  When I do Reiki sessions, I often am visited by the two Marys, mother and Magdalene.

I feel really bitter today.  I feel like life is something I have to force myself to face.  I feel disgusted by most people.  I keep wishing I had a job that didn't deal with people.  Once I'm in front of people, it's fine.  It's the anticipation, the hours before going in.  Then I sit here and long to stay in my pajamas.

I look at my schedule with the express purpose of imagining how I'm going to get through it. Great.  I've been through this many times before.  It's a professional hazard.  I will get through it again.

This weekend I am going to an AlAnon business convention.  It may prove to be quite boring.  But I get a chance to spend time with a potential friend.  Then afterwards on Sunday I will go see my mom and my brother's kids.  And I'll wonder if I have a family left at all.  And I'll try to navigate some way to get through the holidays.

Luckily today I have 3 clients and a group that I love.  Tonight DH and I will go out to dinner because I'll be gone this weekend.  

Yesterday most of my clients cancelled due to the weather or illness, but I did have to get it together for one new client.  Before that I got a call from the pastor of my friend's church.  I'd left a prayer request about my brother, mother and his children.  He was so kind, I cried my eyes out.

And I'm making an emotional fool of myself on my fb group.  Tomorrow I have a much bigger day at work before driving to the convention.  I would really prefer to call in sick.  I shouldn't be admitting that.   I am consumed with too much of my own emotion.

You wake up and grief is still right there beside you.  No, you didn't lose it in your sleep.  You sink and fall away from the world, like the sand beneath an outgoing wave.  In fact, you wonder if you should check if there is still earth beneath you.  You've entered another dimension again.  This liminal plane... yes, that's the word:

Liminality is a psychological, neurological, or subjective state, conscious or unconscious, of being on the "threshold" of or between two different existential planes...

You must half cross over when a loved one does.  I felt this when my child's spirit left my body and now as my mother's child's spirit looms close between lives.  And why does death want more death?  (I'm not afraid to say I wish I was dead, I envy my brother, I feel the wrong child died, I have survivor's guilt). This awareness of impermanence makes this world seem less permanent. 

The pastor at my friend's church I attended this past weekend tried to put this life in perspective to the contrasting christian image of eternity.  It was a comforting image at the time, even if I did translate it to my own metaphysics/theology.  I have felt the other side in dreamstate, in alpha traveling, and I remember it and yearn for release from the suffering of this particular life story.  We aren't defined by this chapter, nor confined.  Our spirits are much larger, and in this we are permanent.

http://channelingmyself.com/2011/06/the-reincarnation-conundrum/

We had a housewarming on 7/16/09, so that's about when #Greg first moved in with me.  So we've lived together for over 2 years.  It's not easy.  I lived alone before that since I moved out of #Derek 's.  Let me figure out when that was. Ok, I moved into Gravenstein in July 2004.  So I lived alone there for 5 years!  OMG.  

This weekend we have been working on rearranging the den into a meditation room.  We moved our lazy boy chairs downstairs along with our laptops and took them out of the den.  It's been a way bigger project than I expected and we are both exhausted and cranky.  We need to do some more finishing touches, and make friends with the new room, and as Greg says, "we have to use it."

It has been really hard to go to work lately.

Yesterday, I had to cancel a Reiki session because I just did not feel in proper spiritual condition to give that.  It's a very understanding client, so I felt ok about it.  Another client asked for her time to be moved from 9 to 11am, which was better for me anyway.  I used to go to the agency I worked for by 8:30 every day.  I could never do that now, since I work until about 7:30pm most days.

Yesterday I did something a little different at work though, I took 3 members of Dual Diagnosis Anonymous to another meeting of the program in Portland.  Aside from having grief in the background and remembering a lot about Josh on the drive, it was a very good experience for all of us.  None of these people socialize much at all.  We also got Popeye's chicken and went to New Renaissance books and they had gelato for the first time.

I just sent an email to a law firm asking if we have a case for wrongful death suit.  It bothers me so much that my brother couldn't get a $4 medication because he couldn't get a refill due to $200 outstanding doctor bills.

But why did I do this?  It won't bring him back. 

• get my scanner to work... - downloading a patch-that's not working! just buying a new one
• find my Photoshop Elements cd
• get better at hypnosis
• go see the channeller again today - will write in protected
• work up the energy to even go to work
• sweep my carpets in my office
• not begrudge my DH
• ?

http://myjaneaology.blogspot.com/

My name is now Jane Leu Rekas, and I started a genealogy blog 6/23/2010 to go along with my genealogy site at MyHeritage.com which I started 5/14/2010. I started delving into genealogy just before I got married 6/12/10 to Gregory Phillip Rekas. So far I have 2419 people on my tree in total. I also have a GEDCOM at rootsweb.com which is not as updated as the one above. Please forgive errors and provide corrections:janerekas@hotmail.com 

I started to research genealogy because my brother wouldn't come to my wedding.  I guess I wanted to reassure myself that I had more family.  I started finding relatives on FB and other places on the internet.